Every 10 years my journey changes. The journey is different, but the cycle remains the same, though I know it's all connected. I seek, I learn, I experience, everything falls, I sift through the wreckage, and then the new dawn begins when I can move forward, just to start all over again. I am more aware and more knowledgeable, but I always question the worth of it. The price is always high, sometimes to high.
This last cycle was particularly brutal and dark. I was stripped over everything, my beliefs, my faith, my power, my soul, my light, my God. What was replaced was fear, doubt, emptiness, and independence. I realized, on a bigger picture, my desire was to free myself from what I'm to supposed to be and just be what I chose to be. To not be above anyone, but also not be below anyone. I don't want to "follow" a Deity or a Council of Angels. I was tired of trying to please someone else because when I follow someone else, no matter how powerful they are, they always seem to screw up my life. I'm forced to make choices that go against everything in me and by doing so, I deny myself. And my soul knew, this isn't how it's supposed to be.
I realized that I'm not looking for an entity, I'm looking for specific energy. One that has followed me ever since I was a child. The one that is all loveing, all accepting and allows me to be who I am. That mystical energy that goes beyond entities that think they know what is best for me, or that use me for their own purpose.
I have learned more then I ever wanted this past decade. About humans, about higher beings, about why lies in the depths of the soul both good and evil. And I have seen the darkness within the light, and I have seen the darkness in the darkness, and light within the darkness. And I realized how much we are all the same. People are people no matter who they are or how much power they hold. Just because they may have "ascended" into a position of power, we all have that same light and darkness within us. We all make choices according to what we feel is the right way to handle situations. The responsibility of the planet is a huge responsibility, but I no longer view those in charge as all-knowing and all-powerful. Even they make mistakes. Their choices are about the whole, the greater good, even if it means the sacrifice of a few. And this is when the safety net disappeared. But I also learned the importance of allies. I don't have to be a part of the country club to create partnerships.
This morning started my new cycle. The day that I am ready to walk away from the wreckage and begin a new. What I am seeking now is not knowledge, but to reconnect with the mystery of the unknown. To reconnect with that mystical energy that guides me to the depths of my soul and brings light to the heart. I know now who I am, I know what I am, I know what I am capable of doing and but also know what I am capable of achieving. , and now I am finally free to be who I am and free to evolve into whatever I am going to be. My choices are no longer because I'm being told what to do but because I chose to do them. My destiny is no longer created by someone else, I am free to create my own destiny now. My journey has been the truth and now I have finally found it. I walked away because I didn't want their destiny, their purpose for my existence. I wanted to chose my own. Beyond God, heaven, the deities, angels, good versus evil, blah, blah, the only path I could take is my own. By being true to myself, I am more powerful then any power anyone could give. And this IS the natural order of things. I now connect to this light, this mystical energy I have been seeking, not because I am afraid of the consequences or because I am hoping for a safety net to save me when things go south, but because it is me and I am it, and I need it to feel complete.
And I feel this cycle will be the best one yet. Thanks for reading
